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Saturday, August 28, 2010

Workin Down, Down, Down

Hey Barry:

All the things on your brain, I know its real busy up there.

But les think for a minute bout what its like to get a job today.

Itsa big job, Barry, aint easy atall.

Jes for the sake of it, les imagine that y'all lose the lection. I don want that to happen cuz we needs you there, but them Reps is real sneaky and they might git lucky. Who knows, is politics, after all.

Dere you are lookin for work. But, aint nobody gonna hire you. Think about it. Yo is used to big bucks, lotsa attention, and, face it Barry, y'all aint xactly mainstream. In this competitive conomy, the employers goes with cheap, mainstream and eager, not expensive an picky.

Gonna mean Michelle be poundin the pavement.

Here wot she'll see.

Lets say she tries for a sales job in a downtown Chi town retail store sellin clothes - she'll be real good at it, has a natural gift for fashion and talkin an all. Should be a breeze, right.

Not so fast.

Here an ad she mebbe likes:

"Can you name 3 of today's hottest designers? How about the current must-have
jeans? Have you ever done a celebratory dance when your Lucky magazine
arrived? (Don't worry, we won't tell anyone.) If so, we want you!

We are a fashion-obsessed, fun-loving retailer of high
quality new and recycled clothing. Currently, we're looking for energetic,
friendly and responsible people for positions at our store.

Sales Associates: PART TIME position. MUST BE ABLE TO WORK FRI, SAT, SUN.
Some retail clothing experience required. You will be selling to the public,
which involves keeping up-to-date on current fashion trends, fashionable labels, pricing,
and what our competitors are selling.

- Competitive pay [BTW: dis means $1.00 per hour above min wage]
- Reliable review schedule
- Significant discount on all merchandise
- A professionally oriented retail development program "

Sound good?

OK then, she needs to go the store's website and get her brain round some corp-speak and then take a test online. Here is some corp-speak right off a website with the name an details changed so's I don get sued:

"Passionate and motivated about working for a global brand and in the retail/fashion industry

Global, innovative thinker and learning agile with an open and inquisitive mind and an understanding of customers and brands

Demonstrated leadership qualities such as a strong point of view, willingness to take calculated risks and interpersonal savvy

An entrepreneurial spirit and a strong work ethic with a desire to work in a fast paced environment

Strong analytical and critical thinking capabilities as well as financial acumen

Persuasive presentation, communication and negotiation skills

Effective collaboration with peers and teams

Organization of multiple projects with effective prioritization and flexibility and an ability to execute with a sense of urgency and attention to detail

Minimum Qualifications

A 4-year degree or equivalent work experience is required.

For students, all majors are welcome to apply. A GPA of 3.0 or above is required. [BTW: dis means she gonna go gainst 20 somethings.]

For full-time internal applicants, a manager reference form is required to be uploaded with the application. Part-time and seasonal employees do not need a Manager Reference Form.

Additionally all full-time employees must have been in their positions for one year."

Still sound good. OK then.

Next she gonna take an online quiz of 150 questions. Questions gonna be things like dese taken from remembered tests and interviews:

'What would you do if your friend tells you that your supervisor is stealing merchandise?

What are your shortcomings?

What is a mistake you made in the last year? And, what happened because of that mistake?

What would you do if one supervisor tells you to do something that conflicts with what another supervisor tells you?"

The list goes on and on and it'll take her bout hour and half to finish it. Good advice on them quizzes - don think, jes answer the questions.

Oh, by the way - a computer gonna score your quiz. Thas cause they gonna get 200 quizzes to read. An aint nobody got time to read all that.

So, les say that the computer really likes Michelle. Thas good, but the computer gonna really like mebbe 5 or 10 other people too. Then a real person gonna look at the candidates and suggest interviewin two or three to the boss - who jes fired the person which created the opening in the first place cuz aint no bidness growin and hirin new folks. Wont even go inta why the person got fired inna first place.

So Michelle gonna be asked in for interview. There'll be a group of five folks doin the questionin. Probably from a script and they gonna rotate askin each question. The questions gonna be about how she works. Y'all gotta think like itsa audition, jes like you tryin for a movie role.

Now, if the job has any technical skill requirements you expect a written exam that's minimum of one hour long bout everything under the sun bout the job.

OK, les say Michelle passes the interview and aces the test.

She is qualified, that's all good; but, is she the right person? An that is different for every job. An there is no way to know.

In fact, there is a good chance that the company will just not hire anyone because nobody fits all their desires exactly. Or, there's also a good chance that the boss already knows who he's gonna hire - he just making himself look good by doing the process.

Or may be Michelle is lucky and knows someone and actually gets an offer: Congratulations!

That gonna mean she can now work for minimum wage plus dollar per hour selling jeans on the weekends.

OK Barry, thas the world we live in. Work hard on that lection and stay in DC - it's easier.


Your pal,