Banker Vulcan Mind Meld

Barry, My Liege :

Regrettably, My Liege, your innocence of big time finance is showing and it is not a pretty sight.

Sad to say, you have not understood much at all about the real people who run all the things where you are.

Your faithful servant will now attempt a Vulcan Mind Meld with a real Banker Person in order to enlighten us all.

While I have performed this office before, I do not like it very much because it leaves me feeling unclean.

Nevertheless, and for the Greater Good of the Republic, we begin.............NOW :

"Well Skippy, so you want to be a Banker Person, is that right?

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OK, then. First I'll ask you a few questions - just to see what are your chances of joining my club.

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First question is this one : How much money do you control or own personally?

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That little you say. Well, it's pretty thin but I think we can make it work.

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Will you be OK with the idea of having tons and tons of money - so much money that you can't even count it?

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What's that you say, what does that matter? Well, little Skippy, you can't be around lots of money unless you already have lots of money. It's our little code around here.

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So, you're sure you are OK with becoming filthy stinking rich?

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OK, that's good, but what about the idea that you will have to ruin a lot of lives for every million you make? Are you OK with that?

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Oh, the little people don't count, you say. That's good Skippy. It is good to hear that.

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That means you can ruin lives with a clear conscience.

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But Skippy, what will you do when you ruin a life and break the law at the same time? Will you be OK with that?

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It's easy to say YES, Skippy, but how do I know you really mean it?

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OK, so you made your first few millions by robbing widows and orphans with phony stock scams. That's really good Skippy. I like that. After all, we both know that the law is for the little people, not for us. That's why God makes lawyers.

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But, how about some of your fellow bankers and chums? Your close associates. Can you steal from them while you buy them dinner?

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Ah Hah! That's a great story. I'd sure hate to be that sap.

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But, Skippy, why is it that you deserve the money you took - why shouldn't the other guy have it instead of you? After all, he 'earned' it while you just took it from him.

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Wow, that's a long story, Skippy, but I can boil it down to this : All that money is really yours because you are a better person. So, it is just and proper that you take it from him. After all, if he were a better person he wouldn't let you take it from him. Is that right?

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OK then. Now, who is the greatest villain in the history of the United States?

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FDR, you say. OK, then - what is the biggest reason that he was a villain?

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Well, yes he did betray his class and actually help out poor people, but that's not enough, is it Skippy? Lots of people help others and we don't mind. There has to be a bigger reason to make FDR the big villain - and by the way I agree with you on this one.

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Ah Hah! That's it alright. It wasn't helping poor people, it was stealing our money from us so he could pay them. That's what made him the bad guy - all those taxes we had to pay went right to the little people who just don't deserve them.

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So, Skippy, what will you do about that?

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Skippy, Skippy, how are you going to steal the Social Security Trust Fund? That's pretty ambitious, you know. It'll be great if you can, but it's a big job.

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What! Of course I know it's none of my business. No need to talk that way, Skipper. We're on the same side here.

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OK, then, what is the big advantage you see in being a banker?

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You know that just about nails it. Bankers can borrow from the little people to make big time gambles where the bankers keep the winnings but the little people cover the losses. It's a heckuva deal, Skip, hard to beat.

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What about some of the whiners like Elizabeth Warren and Eric Holder? Won't they rain on the party?

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Of course I know Warren's a girl and a blond besides. Yes I'd like to see her naked, but.......OK, OK. Holder? Too wimpy?

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Who DO you worry about, Skip?

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Well, you know what, I'd worry about Eliot Spitzer too, but he's damaged goods and nobody will use him.

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So, Skippy, looks like clear sailing from here.

Go get 'em tiger."



It's time for a hot shower, My Liege.

Your faithful servant,